Anecdotes R Us

I am glued to my computer for so long each day that I have developed RSI and have had to go to an osteopath. The osteopath is actually a student. She doesn't seem entirely sure of her territory, which is a bit nerve-wracking when you're standing in your underwear in a windowless room waiting to be 'manipulated'. Also she seems to have trouble saying long words like 'manipulated'. Also I have had to find the girliest underwear in my collection because anything else apparently blocks her view of my spine.

The thing is, though, she's really nice and I don't like to offend her by asking to speak to her supervisor. My only frame of reference is ER. I keep comparing her to a third-year student in ER and reminding myself that she won't be used to having her own patients but she will have had a long and arduous training, etc. Then she tries to persuade me that my body mass index is at the obese end of normal and suddenly I decide she hasn't got a clue what she's talking about.

At the same time I am pondering whether that means I need to go on a dramatic weight loss diet like this couple I saw recently at a party. I hadn't seen them for a few months and they had each lost several stone. Literally. They were on some diet that we nicknamed the Don't Eat Food Diet but it had worked for them. So much so that they had won medals at the Out Games. Not for weight loss, for sport.

At the Closing Ceremony a friend of theirs was all excited because she wanted to see Martina Navratilova speak. Better yet, she wanted to get her autograph. So before the ceremony this girl somehow persuades a security guard to let her go through to the stars' caravans. There she asks a stranger whether Martina is around. The woman says she'll go and look. She comes back a few minutes later: 'I'm sorry but Ms Navratilova isn't available right now.'

So the girl returns, disappointed, to our friends and they all take their seats for the ceremony. Soon one of the stars comes onstage to perform. 'Oh,' gasps the girl. 'That's the woman who went to look for Martina for me.' It was kd lang.

The picture is not relevant to any of these anecdotes. It is the sculpture that is on Trafalgar Square's fourth plinth. Me and my sis were there last weekend gaping in awe. We did take pix of each other but to be honest this one is better.

Now I am going to try to finish the timetable for the book festival. For YLAF. Remember that? Less than two months to go. Lovely.

- Helen x

www.ylaf.org.uk